White Bread is Yummy.

UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE

2008-12-10T23:36:00.003-06:00

I am officially too lazy to update two blogs at the same time.

GO HERE

http://tbh.tumblr.com/
http://tbh.tumblr.com/
http://tbh.tumblr.com/
http://tbh.tumblr.com/
http://tbh.tumblr.com/

Love you.

Sweet, sweet victory

2008-12-01T16:55:00.001-06:00

Fey recalls she was at her heaviest in Chicago and, later, sitting at a desk at S.N.L. “I’m five four and a half, and I think I was maxing out at just short of 150 pounds, which isn’t so big. But when you move to New York from Chicago, you feel really big. Because everyone is pulled together, small, and Asian. Everyone’s Asian.”

Vanity Fair via ONTD

YES. I HAVE BEEN VINDICATED. TAKE THAT THIN, NON-CHICAGOAN AZN WOMEN.

My Childhood Revisited

2008-12-01T16:27:00.001-06:00

I LOVE that they made Gabby on “Desperate Housewives” fat with FAT Mexican daughters. It is so true to life, as my mother still blames my sister and I for ruining her figure.

“I WAS NINETY POUNDS BEFORE I HAD YOU. NINETY, 9-0”

Anyways, this clip is srsly like a glimpse into my childhood, right down to be scolded for having big heads.

I Need to Start Watching "60 Minutes"

2008-11-29T21:13:00.001-06:00

Watch CBS Videos Online

M. Phelps, I miss your butterface. At least I have those Rock Band commercials.

Psst, Silver Foxzz. I didn’t forget you boo, how you doin?

Retail Madness

2008-11-25T15:43:00.008-06:00

*Some of the Information has been redacted for privacy reasons*

Let's break this down piece by piece. I don't even think I helped this lady but you nev know.

"I found the salespeople rude, totally not interested in helping me find what I wanted."

I can't think of anyone I work with that is straight-up rude to our customers. Even if you were totally heinous, we would still help you, if only to get you out of the store that much faster.

"Of course they did not have my size in the boots I wanted. They told me they get shipments weekly and I could call or come back then."

When did you come in? Saturday when there's a line out the door and the entire Midwest region descends on the store? Sunday or Monday when we have yet to receive stock replenishment? Trust me, we want you to BUY our product, especially if we have it. I hate when people say "of course they don't have my size", it's not like I made a point to sell this show, in your size, so there wouldn't be any left when you came in.

And we do get shipments weekly, we just don't know what we're getting or when we'll have everything unpacked.

"When I asked if they would hold a pair for me, the girl looked at me like I was insane and said no."

This is literally what happens on a weekly basis.

Me: Can we hold these shoes for a customer?
Manager: What are you crazy?! It's the holiday season! No.

Two Days Later:
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, we can't do holds because it's holiday.
Manager: What are you CRAZY?! We need to make target, OF COURSE WE CAN HOLD THEM.

Of course, Dear Yelp-er this isn't your fault, but it's really not mine either. And I don't want to tell you I'll look out for a pair for you, if I won't be able to hold them.

"Then she said I could just order them online. AKA, I'm a lazy twit and I could care less about helping you."

Okay that's just rude bb, we only tell you that because it's another option and means for you to get the shoe you clearly REALLY want. What my girl was really saying was, "I'm sorry we didn't have your shoe but our company may still be able to accommodate you."

The beauty of online shopping is you know right away if the item you want is available, and you don't have to deal with us "lazy twits" who work 8-hour days, on our feet and knees, with people's bare feet all in OUR FACE.

"I'll never go back there, clearly they are not worried about repeat or local business. I hope they get enough tourists in there. I would much rather buy them at Nordstrom where I am treated with respect and get free shipping if they do not have what I want."

We love our repeat customers and yes we do get "enough" tourists. But go ahead, go to Nordstrom's. My cousin works there, so at least we're keeping your money in the family.

White Bread Babe(z): The Triple Stack

2008-11-25T14:47:00.008-06:00

To quote a lesbian Walgreens employee that once hollered at me while I perused the candies, "God-damnnnn! I say, God-dayum!"

So sincere, this is a White Bread Trifecta. Jim, Michael Bluth and Becks. I want to get in-between each of these home slices.

Rom-Comz

2008-11-25T14:07:00.003-06:00

Well this looks a hot mess.

I'm hoping that since Ginnifer* Goodwin has the biggest picture on this horrible poster, the movie will mostly focus on her.

She is probably the best actress in this ridic-ness, with the exception of Jennifer Connelly. (Girrrllll, what the f are you doing in this? Do you and the family need money? Are the TNT residuals from "A Knight's Tale" drying up?)

* Okay, one of my biggest pet peeves is when white people have elaborately spelled Anglo names. I don't blame the child, but I do take it out on them. To the parents: if you spent all that time trying to figure out how to creatively spell "Khristofer", couldn't you have come up with something BETTER?

I think this all stems from one of the loves of my life being bff with some girl named "Emilae." Your name is EMILY, GET OVER IT.

Yous

2008-11-20T13:38:00.003-06:00

ChicagoPedia

"yous / USE / n. / Plural of the word "you," as in: 'The two of yous get outta da front room, and go play in da prairie.'"

Seeeeee? I have a documented medical condition.

P.S. I have no earthly clue what "prairie" refers to.

Hubba-hubba

2008-11-18T13:12:00.005-06:00

via ONTD

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Scarlett Johansson's a babe.

Let's face it, Woody Allen's latest "muse" is not so good with the, how do you say, acting, but she sure does have a nice rack.

And yes, it's so totally, completely unfair that she is married to Ryan Reynolds who I imagine walks around the house all day like this:

And YES, she did particpate in bringing one of Justin Timberlake's Britney Spears' snuff films to the masses.

(I won't post the video. It's over NINE minutes long because Justin sees himself as some sort of AUTEUR.)

But even I can look past these short-comings and admire Scar Jo for the TOTAL BABE that she is.

Zune FAIL.

2008-11-18T12:50:00.004-06:00

I found out about this lovely vid thx to hipsterrunoff. (Whatttt? I read it for the articles!)

P.S. Kind of NSFW?

Microsoft, please stop trying to be relevant. I'll start to use your products again once I get a "real" job, okay? I pwomise.

Not Surprisingly, Sarah Palin gets thrown under the "Straight Talk" Express

2008-11-06T12:21:00.006-06:00

Oh bbgirl. I almost feel bad for you.

Who knew that the everyone would end up turning on you in the end?

Also, I like how dudes pretend like they don't like to gossip, when really they're all "Dish, Dish, Dish!"

I'm from a city in the Midwest, Best city in the whole wide, wide world

2008-11-06T11:12:00.006-06:00

I was home, alone, flipping between NBC and ABC when Charles Gibson paused and said, "ABC is projecting that Barack Obama will be the 44th president of the United States of America."

"ARE YOU SRS?!" I asked Charlie. (I talk to the T.V. a lot.) "Are you serious? Is this REAL?"

I swear y'all, I couldn't breathe for a second, I was so overwhelmed and in shock, the kind of shock that makes you feel like you're watching yourself, and thinking "Oh damn. You are on some shit right now."

A lot of people have commented on Barack winning, including my good friend Isabelle at Two Day Old Shit. And I'm sure my little wonkettes Randi and Paulina will have something to say in a few days time.

For me, it was that much more meaningful to be here in Chicago to witness it first-hand.

This is why I moved back home, this is why Chicago means more to me than any other place on the planet. I'm glad that people around the world got to see how great this city and it's people are.

I cried during Barack's speech, I cried when I saw the Obama family come out on stage together, knowing that this, this beautiful family would be the face of this country.

Barack Obama is this country's first black president, and that in itself, is cause for celebration. I am most inspired by the fact that Barack is a young, educated Democrat from Chicago, who got people to feel so passionately about the presidential race. He inspired people and made us all feel that we are capable of changing the world around us.

I will tell my kids about this day. But by then they'll be like "Godddd Momma, whatevz" because their President with be a Jewish Latino Lesbian.

The Future of America

2008-10-29T22:24:00.002-05:00

is SO on point.

T.I. is for the children.

"Why don't you BLOG about it?!"

2008-10-29T10:29:00.001-05:00

Fine, I will.

Updates:

I re-entered the retail world. I won't disclose where but I might be able give you some FABULOUS insights into how bad the economy is right now for some people, and not for other (read: REALLY rich people. Or those that can justify buying $100 boots for growing children.)

"Mad Men" had it's season finale, which MELTED FACE. I'm sure I'll talk about that extensively at some point.

"Gossip Girl" continues to give me a reason to live. Case in point:

Holy F, "GG" and B. Spears? Spoil a girl some more CW.

Srsly, the show is worth watching if only for the recaps on Gawker and New York Magazine's Daily Intel Blog. It's the some of the funniest shit ever, made all the more funnier (?) because the show is so ridiculously, horribly perfect.

In sadder news, I've been in total bum-out mode as of late. You could blame the economy, my (until recent) jobless-ness, Seasonal Affective Disorder, or you know, those who shall not be named (pssst...I'm talking about BOYZ) but I've found the most effective way to cope is to listen to T.I.'s "Paper Trail" album on repeat. Especially this song:

Dead And Gone [Ft. Justin Timberlake] - T.I.

I promise, it's a rather uplifting jam. Not on some gangsta shit man, some real shit.

You know you love me.
xoxo.

It's always sunny in Chi-town

2008-10-12T12:16:00.002-05:00

Well apparently. Me and the fake bf are enjoying the weather by hanging out at Trader Todd's catching THE GAME.

For real y'all, it's October 12th and 78 degrees. Sup global warming?

Marry Me.

2008-10-11T18:22:00.001-05:00

OMG Y'ALL. OMG.

2008-10-09T23:11:00.003-05:00

Okay, briefly:

1. I got my computer fixed.
2. I hate the MTV media player because it buffers for days and drives me insane.

HOW-FUCKING-EV. I return to the internetz tonight to find one shining beacon of light.

BRITNEY SPEARS DOCUMENTARY TO AIR NOVEMBER 30

NINETY MINUTES, Y'ALL. 9-0. I have something to live for!

Besides, you know, friends, family, and the rest of the season of Gossip Girl.

BRITNEY. ILU.

MTV...well, I'm still not sure I can forgive and forget that easily. But I'm willing to open myself up to the possibility of a new beginning. For B's sake.

Twilight in Suburbia

2008-10-02T18:33:00.002-05:00

Mall parking lot

What up DEMOCRACY??

2008-10-02T00:02:00.004-05:00

Y'all, one of the reasons I love this great country is because everyone gets totally cray come election season. I mean, with good reason, cuz you know, the country's pretty epically divided when it comes to politics.

The other reason I love election season + America is our celebz. They often get neglected this time of year cuz we all get so wrapped up in our blue-state-red-state, baby-mama-drama. So they decide to use their fame for good, instead of evil, by reminding us to exercise our right to vote (you know, while managing to draw attention back to themselves.)

CUZ THEY CARE THAT MUCH Y'ALL.

Peep this lil vid they made in their time off between Emmy and Oscar season.

Adorable, am I rite?

P.S. I'm hoping at least five ppl read this blog, so this counts as me passing it on to five ppl. You know, in case Leo D. asks.

P.P.S. Omg Natalie Portman, you are the babe-iest babe in the history of babe-dom. Babe-raham Lincoln.

An Update

2008-09-29T19:55:00.001-05:00

I am without computer. And the fake-ass cable I used to have.

That's right bbz, I'm rocking antennas on my TV in order to watch GG and OTH. (Is the reason I like CW shows because they abbreviate so beautifully?)

Anyways, I've been near-death (metaphorically-speaking) without anything to distract me from my unemployed, post-college, sad self. Wah wah wah, all round.

Speaking of existential crisis: can I see "High School Musical 3: Senior Year", if I haven't seen the prequels? Will I be hopelessly lost without knowing the saga of the franchise's star-crossed lovers, Troy and Gaberiella?

Answers to any of my many life questions would be greatly appreciated.

My Brain is Melting

2008-09-23T16:08:00.004-05:00

Due to my severe case of unemployment, I have spent entirely too much time on the internet today.

I went to my itunes to find some relief in the form of No Doubt circa Tragic Kingdom and stumbled upon my Top 25 Most Played Songs playlist.

If your my friend, you know my musical tastes border on...embarrassing, but it's kind of harsh to see it all laid out in front of you.

To be fair, I hardly listen to my iTunes, partially because I'm never home and because I prefer the soothing sounds of television. But really, who knew I liked so much mainstream pop-"punk"?

Oh I bet this isn't coming as a surprise to anyone but me. Y'all can just stfu.

Pug Bbz!!

2008-09-23T15:18:00.002-05:00

Via Fashionista

So f-ing cute, I just want give them kisses.

Blogging on the Go: P. Runway

2008-09-19T21:31:00.001-05:00

Thx to the magic of the internet, me and the fake bf are catching up on last episode.

KENLEY IS SUCH A DUMB BITCH. THAT TULLE IS HIDEOUS. DIAF, YOU VAGUELY VINTAGE-INSPIRED HO.

Ahh. I'm glad I got that out of my system.

Carry on.

GTFO: R.Kelly

2008-09-17T10:47:00.005-05:00

Last night, B.E.T. aired an news special called "R.Kelly Speaks". Touré was the interviewer, and I'm pissed I missed it but MTV has a recap that made me sufficiently angry.

The highlights:

"When asked directly if he likes teenage girls, Kelly asked in response, "How old are we talking?" Touré responded, "Girls who are teenagers." Kelly then asked, "Nineteen? I have some 19-year-old fans. I don't like anybody illegal, if that's what you're talking about." (The subject of his annulled marriage to a 15-year-old Aaliyah did not come up.)"

Ohhhhhh, where to begin?

1. I think if yelled out my window right now "Has anyone been sexually assaulted by R.Kelly? Before the legal age of consent?" I would get a response. And I live on the NORTHSIDE of Chicago.

2. To quote the fake bf, "Wow, way to say you're a creep without saying you're a creep, while saying you're creep."

3. "The subject of his annulled marriage to a 15-year-old Aaliyah did not come up."

Oh word? You mean this marriage?

The one Vibe Magazine found out about?

To be fair, some hXc Aaliyah fans say that they weren't ever married LEGALLY (i.e. the State of Illinois does not recognize marriages involving children under the age of 16. And there's false information on the marriage certifcate, thus making the whole "marriage" invalid.)

So technically, Aaliyah and R. Kelly aren't lying when they say they were never married. Technically.

Continuing on:
"I've been blackmailed a billion times," Kelly said. "I've been sued for ridiculous things. At one point in my life, I was an ATM machine. But I'm used to that...When you're R. Kelly, they want a piece of you."

Um, you are NOT B. Spears. HDU!!!

Piece Of Me - Britney Spears

Can we be real for a second?
The jury didn't find R.Kelly innocent, so much as they felt the prosecution didn't meet the burden of proof to find him guilty.

Did some of those jurors believe that it was R. Kelly on the tape, peeing on a girl?
Uh, yeah probz.

Could the prosecution PROVE that the girl in questions was underage?
No, not exactly. I get told all the time I look 16, and I'm 22.

Maybe we can take solace in the fact that our justice system works, that the burden of proof is on the state, and that people can still put aside their own personal feelings and vote fairly on a person's innocence.

Or maybe we can all hope that one day R. Kelly screws a white girl with a big mouth. Then maybe we'll see some actual justice served.

TopShop opening delayed again.

2008-09-11T13:40:00.003-05:00

Via racked via nymag.com via Jezebel (phew)

GOOD, I'M GLAD.

I probably can’t afford a ticket to the East Coast till then n-e-wayz.

"You don't know 20 different ways to make me call you 'Big Poppa'"

2008-09-09T13:52:00.005-05:00

"...cuz I don't, yo."

FABULOUS NEWS!

Can't Hardly Wait is being re-released on DVD! (via ontd).

10 Year Anniversary Edition?! I was TWELVE when that movie came out? Lies! Lies!

1998>>>>> Your face.

Via Facebook Ads

2008-09-08T18:39:00.001-05:00

Nev, facebook. Nev.

This is SO GOOD, I Wish it was True.

2008-09-08T16:26:00.003-05:00

via Gawker

"Today in Sarah Palin news! This nice young man has gone to the YouTube to announce something very important: he is actually the father of Alaska governor Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol Palin's little fetus."

The best comment thus far? "Please, if that baby was half-black it'd already be aborted."

I ABOUT CRIED

2008-09-08T12:38:00.003-05:00

Do y'all see this? Do you see how good she looks?

Honestly, when they led her from her dressing room to the stage, tears sprang to my eyes. It was like 1999 all over again.

Tru fax time: I think we can agree that once again, MTV used her to pull ratings. And that all the awards she won was the network's way of saying, "Sorry we've whored you out last year. Our B."

I LOVE the song "Piece of Me" but the video, is certainly not her best, and came at a time when she was still unhealthy. It reminds me of how the Academy Awards tends to acknowledge actors, directors, whoever AFTER they've done their best work.

(For example: One day, Don Cheadle will most certainly win an award for one of his generic heist films, when he should have won for Hotel Rwanda.)

Also, was I'm going go out on a limb here and declare B. Spears the most famous person to attend this year's VMAs. So basically MTV had to use her, as she provided the most star-power. I mean...I guess Kanye and Kobe are pretty famous, but really? Really?

Once again, the show as a whole was pretty lame. And I missed some of it to eat delish food. It doesn't matter though.

We all pretty much know who this night belonged to.

Blogging from Bed: The Hangover Edition

2008-09-07T18:21:00.002-05:00

I am currently laying feet to head with the fake bf as he watches THE GAME. My head hurts, my tum-tum's on fire and the VMAs are 8pm.

The only person who could get me to crawl out of bed and brave the outside world is the one and only, Ms B. Spears.

Y'all I am nervous for her tonight. She has a history of being used and abused by those around her, and MTV is no exception. I have no desire to relive what happened last year, the "Gimme More" performance that most called her ultimate downfall.

The show on a whole BLEW last year, but hey, at least MTV got a lot of press and a ratings bump from having an emotionally and chemically unstable cash cow dance and twirl for everyone's amusement.

Brit appears to be in a much better place then she was last year, and her management has sworn up and down that tonight's appearance will not include a performance.

I really hope there isn't. What made me the most upset about last year's fiasco was how scared, sad and disconnected Britney looked.

At first she seemed to be 100% into the task at hand. She sold the first 30 seconds (minus the awful weave tracks).

"If you're looking for trouble, you came to the right place."

Indeed! But as the performance got underway, you could see her become more and more unsure of herself. It's as though she realized the weight of what she was doing and the audience she was performing for. The rest of the performance was...well unsteady, at best.

Britney has done a lot for MTV, and for the most part, it's been mutually beneficial. But I still nervous about her appearance tonight. Not because I think she'll falter, but that people might set her up to fail.

Apartment-style Living

2008-09-04T16:20:00.003-05:00

The couple who live across the hall from me always seem to be smoking pot and listening to psychedelic rock or acid jazz or you know something vaguely stoner-ish.

It’s like living across the hall from my father circa 1978.

It does make me feel better to know that I’m not the only one sitting on my ass all day instead of you know, actually working.

Shout out to bb-girl Bristol

2008-09-04T12:52:00.000-05:00

Lets Talk About Sex - Salt N Peppa

Dear Republicans:

2008-09-04T12:30:00.001-05:00

Y'all can stfu.

As mayor of Wasilla, Palin hired a lobbyist and traveled to Washington annually to support earmarks for the town totaling $27 million. In her two years as governor, Alaska has requested nearly $750 million in special federal spending, by far the largest per-capita request in the nation.

Kisses,

Me

2008-09-01T20:40:00.000-05:00

Palin’s Teen Daughter Is Pregnant

TREATED. TREATED.

Easily one of the most offensive things on the Internet

2008-08-31T19:58:00.004-05:00

POLI-TRICKS ALERT

My mama raised me pro-choice Democrat. Call me uninformed, apathetic, whatev when it comes to politcs, but a women's right to choose is deal-breaker for me.

So it should come as no surprise that I am offended that some women are deserting the democratic party just cuz Hil didn't win the nomination.

(In the words of one of my darling darlings "It's cutting off your nose to spite your face.")

I am also offended by recently named Republican V.P. nominee Ms. Palin's staunch pro-life (or anti-choice as I prefer) views.

Now I love hockey and bbz just as much as next girl (or I guess, maybe I don't) but the Republican party needs stfu about how Ms. Palin's a hockey mom and how she's soooo anti-choice she had a bb with Down's Syndrome instead of terminating the pregnancy.

WE GET IT, BITCH IS LEGIT.

Just like McCain is legit old. ZING!

Speaking of people being all anti-choice, imagine how offended I was when I saw this video about a year ago by "Mr. Mariah Carey" Nick Cannon, appropriately titled "Can I Live?".

The synopsis: Nick Cannon's momma almost had an abortion and had she gone through with it, we would be living a Nick Cannon-less existence.

First off all, I get that you would want to rep your production company but using the title card "Can I Ball" before a music video documenting your near-abortion is just tacky.

Yeah Nick Cannon, I guess since your mama didn't go through with "it" you in fact can ball. And you know, prey on emotionally unstable pop-stars, who are nearing 40 and probably wondering if they'll ever love again, while crying into their Hello Kitty pillows.

I really don't know where to begin with how OFFENSIVE this music video is.

The rain-soaked protesters? Tatyana Ali's staring role? Nick Cannon in a wife-beater begging his mother to give him a chance to make a wildly unfunny variety show for MTV?

Oh wait, there's a chorus of children wearing shirts that read "Can I Live?"

I'm so offended I need to create a new word to explain how LIVID I am. For now, just GTFO Mr. Mariah.

Live Blogging: The Family Gathering

2008-08-30T19:07:00.002-05:00

I'm eaten so much Italian beef and chicken, I think my sun dress might rip.

Lil sis keeps flipping candy coins in my face while asking, "Why so serious?"and laughing maniacally.

Ow, my tum-tum hurts. :/

Live Blogging: The Family Gathering

2008-08-30T17:49:00.001-05:00

My mother asked me to pick out a basket to keep our cards in before the party started.

This is what I found on our back porch:

A decortative basket for every occasion! I wish I was kidding.

Live Blogging: The Family Gathering

2008-08-30T17:31:00.001-05:00

Today I returned to the western suburbs for a co-graduation party with my little sister.

Why so late? Mb because me and my little sister didn't technically graduate on time.

WHAT'S IT TO YA?

Anyways, the day proves to be a trying one. All this family togetherness puts me and the lil sis on edge.

Sample convo:

Bbgirl (to me): Stop acting like you care about our family.

Me: Shut up, you're just mad because everyone likes me better.

This could get ugly.

STFU: J. Simp

2008-08-28T14:04:00.011-05:00

via ohnotheydidnt

Oh honey. You really need to stop gushing about all the d-bags you date. It’s only going to come back to haunt you.

Remember that little show on MTV you had? About you and your now ex-husband? The one I can't even bring myself to watch cuz it's just too tragic for words?

Spoiler Alert: It's "The Final Season" because in the wake of the subsquent fame and press she recieved from the show, Jessica decided to bang half the cast of "Jackass: The Movie"

Honey, will you ever learn?

Blogging on the Go: Bad Boy Manufactured Pop Groups

2008-08-26T17:36:00.001-05:00

Has anyone else noticed that Bad Boy has a fondness for creating bands that begin with "D"?

There's:
- Dream
- Da Band
- Danity Kane
- Day 26
- Donnie what's-his-name

What/whom am I missing?

Could Diddy be that egocentric?

Bbz!

2008-08-26T11:19:00.005-05:00

via dontbechi.wordpress.com

Chicago bbz are rurl ill. And well-dressed. I myself had some bb Air Jordan's, circa age 2.

Old-School Jam

2008-08-25T16:46:00.001-05:00

"Satisfy You" - P. Diddy ft. R. Kelly

Something to help us all through these tough economic times.

Via Go Fug Yourself

2008-08-22T14:07:00.005-05:00

Fugmaged

Girrrlll, you are just too much.

OMFG

2008-08-20T15:45:00.006-05:00

My dearest crazy-girl/bff just informed me of the greatest news ever.

According to many a gossip site, Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling are giving their love affair another go.

Ya'll, I don't believe in true love, persay.

I believe in the emotion of love, but soulmates and such just seems silly, given the sheer number of people in the world.

However, there are two couples that even I can not deny were/are for realz in love:

Johnny Cash and June Carter

Oh god, do I even have to explain this one? Have you seen "Walk the Line"?

Johnny Cash died four months after June; probz from complications from diabetes or because his heart was BROKEN.

The other couple? Pretty self-explanatory.

What's that? You "love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling"? ME TOO.

Are you crying? Cuz I'm crying.

Not All Young Women Under the Age of 25 are Twat-Waffles

2008-08-19T12:41:00.007-05:00

Confession: I don't watch The Hills.

"But!" you might be saying, "you love celeb gossip! And B. Spears! And inappropriately add "z" to every word you can!"

This is all tru fax. And while I have seen clips of the show, and maybe two or three episodes so my roommate and I could lol at the hilarity of it all, the show is ridic awful.

Sample:

No seriously, that's the most action you'll see on the show. For the part it's a bunch of creepy staring and cutaways of the Hollywood "hills".

Look, I don't have a problem with the show persay.
I loved season one of Laguna Beach and saw my own high school relationships reflected in the L.C./Stephen/Kristen triangle. I will even admit the petty drama that consumed my life at times looks like deleted scenes from Laguna Beach: The Lost Season.

But the fact of the matter is, it's just petty drama, and in no way indicative of the person I am or the relationships I have. If you spliced together all the b.s. glares and stares of my life, I'd probably come off looking like a total bitch too. For all we know, Lauren and the girlz are entrepreneurial masterminds, lol-ing at how America is buying into all this bullshit.

For me, the most damaging aspect of the show is not how it reflects on bf/gf relationships, or "frenemies". It's how we see Lauren behave in the workplace.

At her Teen Vogue internship, she'd click away at her computer, waiting for Whitney to ask her the inevitable "Sooooo, how was last night?" question.
At a photoshoot in Paris, Lauren walks away from the set to take a phone call about Brody's man-whoring exploits.

Bbgirl, that is just not good for business.

It just worries me that some grown-ass women watch this show, and think this is how all young 20-something girls are. That we are all vapid, shallow dum-dums who care more about the boys, clothes, and photo-ops then advancing ourselves in the workplace.

I'm not saying all women equate my age demographic with Lauren, Lo, and the gang.

But for the ones that might, what if I assumed all women 30+ acted like this:

Pretty fucking ugly representation isn't it?

I just hope that the women who watch The Hills are smarter than that, and don't accept this fictionalized account of young adult life as gospel.

Lily Allen will Beat a Bitch

2008-08-19T11:50:00.005-05:00

celebritygossip.net via ohnotheydidnt

GTFO: Project Runway, Season Five

2008-08-18T20:00:00.006-05:00

Just WHAT the F is going on this season P. Runway?

There's been four eps and I don't think I like anyone in this cast.
And they all seem to geniuely hate each other. I know producers often get cast members to talk smack about each other in the one-on-one interviews, but I think everyone's offering up criticisms for free.

Sample:

Keith (on choosing Kenley as his partner):

Kenley is a very headstrong personality.
As long as I can get her to shut her mouth a little bit and stick to sewing, [snickers] we'll be good.

Why the FUCK did you pick her? Because her "look" (and by "look", I mean red lipstick and hair accessories) is vintage-inspired?

GTFO.

Here are a few stand-outs this season:

1. Stella
Every time she's on-camera, I just end up yelling,
"I HATE YOU. YOU ARE AN IDIOT."
Her spiked-leather look is so played, and the vest she wears for the testimonials looks like something from the Gwar Resort Collection.

2. Suede
I don't even want to discuss the fact that this mo-fo insists on talking in third person. It's one thing to play to your reality show archtype (in his case the ZANY, slightly chub, gay with questionable taste) but it is quite another to create a personality trait solely for the blog coverage.

I'd like to instead concentrate on the fact that he has a fawk-hawk and blue hair past the age of 17.

Vom?

Vom.

3. Blayne

At least last season's sprightly gay was talented. Blayne makes totally hid(eous) outfits and is somehow still on the show.

And he uses the word "Girlicious" as an adjective instead of its intended purpose as a poorly named, CW conceived pop group.

I could go on. I really could, but with 10 more epsiodes to go this season, I'm sure someone will do something horrible to warrant another post.

2008-08-17T22:56:00.002-05:00

Michael Phelps' Freakish Physique Explained

“Michael Phelps swam the Atlantic Ocean…for fun.”

- Gawker commentator

The comments section basically dissolves into “Michael Phelps” jokes of the “Chuck Norris tears cure cancer…too bad he never cries.” vein.

An lol-fest from start to finish.

Blueprint 3

2008-08-16T15:45:00.002-05:00

(ohtheydidnt via my bb-boy Mark Ronson)

It's coming! I love Kanye. And not just because he's from Chicago and his birthday is the day before mine.

No, it's because he makes phat beatz and is in total denial about his M.C. skills. Ye', I think we all know who the best rapper alive is.

Blogging from Bed: On the Prowl

2008-08-16T11:56:00.002-05:00

I hate standing. Sitting is cool but if it was up to me, I'd spend all day, every day lying down.

Thanks to the marvels of modern technology, I can blog via my BlackBerry (my Bb) from the comfort of my bed.

Discuss: What is the ratio of boys who use Magnum condoms to those who actually need them?

Is this a common phenomena? I've heard from quite a few ppl that Magnums should be reserved for black dudes and porn stars. But what about our white bread brethren who might need (want) some extra room?

Or is it that white boys just like the ego trip and shiny gold packaging?

Chicago, ilu

2008-08-15T20:36:00.002-05:00

The Air and Water Show started today. It was kind of crazy for awhile, since they we're practicing this week, disrupting all my unemployed nap time.

But, what this great Chicago tradition, right down to the obligatory fireworks display, reminds me just how f-ing happy I am to be back in the Chi.

Gossip Girl >>>Everything else in life

2008-08-15T18:07:00.008-05:00

Gossip Girl rocks my face, and not just because I went to private school with a lot of bitchy white girls.

No, it's because the only thing I love more than reality-based drama is fictional drama. Think of it as a form of methadone for dramatic biddys like me, who like living vicariously through others.

Also all the Serena/Dan haters TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT, because without them, Blair and Chuck wouldn't look so awesome in comparison. They're called foils ppl, look it up.

White Bread Babe: Michael Phelps

2008-08-15T17:41:00.009-05:00

Our first White Bread Babe is, of course, the Golden Boy, M. Phelps.

Are you getting sick of hearing about what he eats for breakfast?
ME NEITHER!

But let's be real for a second. Sexy can I? over here is a bit of a butterface.

And wayyy taller than I usually like. (I'm what the Spanish call, a pequeña chica bonita.) I tend to like my boys between 5'6-5'8, though I guess 5'9 is cool too. Michael is around 6 foot 4.

So why is he the inaugural White Bread babe?

1. He loves his momma

2. Baby boy is making BANK

3. He eats between 8,000-10,000 calories a day (so all my snacking will pale in comparison.)

4. He has the cutest f-ing dog ever.

Bbz!

2008-08-14T16:10:00.004-05:00

ohnotheydidnt:Big Black's Baby Mama

GTFO: Fug Jonas

2008-08-14T15:13:00.004-05:00

(Special thanks to hollywoodgrind.com for blocking out Perez's water mark, I h8 him so much.)

Look Fug Jonas, stop trying to live vicariously through your brother Nick, who is this generation's Aaron Carter.

TEAM MILEY

Discuss

2008-08-14T15:02:00.005-05:00

(via TMZ)
Jonah Hill has dated TWO girls from Emerson College. Personally, I'm holding out for Michael Cera.

OM NOM NOM

2008-08-14T14:25:00.008-05:00

My wonderful fake-bf (what? You don't have one?) has been encouraging me forevz to start a blog. He's like totally cute and in two bands, and I always tell him I want to eat him, in the cutesy way girls do ("Zomg, I could eat Michael Phelps up with a spoon!").

At first I thought I just had cannibalistic tendencies, to the point where my fake-bf asked me if I was a zombie after I "om nom nom"-ed his arm. But as I was reading good ole Jezebel this morning, I noticed I wasn't the only one equating hot boys with yummy treats.

Which got me to thinking...

Perhaps the reason girls are always equating dudes with food is because we've been taught, as females, that one of the only ways it's "acceptable" for women to express feelings of lust or wanting, is when it pertains to food, i.e. zomg women LOVE chocolate. Subconsciously, expressing our desires this way is far more "safe" then using standard dude speak of wanting to bang/fuck/plow. To quote S.M.G. in Cruel Intentions,"God forbid, I exude confidence and enjoy sex."

LOL Food for Thought, am I rite?

Skateboarders land in suburban Chicago, only my sister and her bff seem to care

2008-08-14T13:57:00.007-05:00

My sister is the embodiment of ador-riblé. Her current favorite nickname for me is "Bulga". As in the whale.

Anyways, her and her bff, like so many teenage girls before them, love them some white boys on skateboards. So much in fact that they traveled all the way to Tinley Park to see them do a skate demo.
According to my little sis, these sk8er bois were kind of douche-baggy, remaining life-less when taking pictures with her bff, who was one of their biggest fans, and refusing to sign autographs. But to make it up to them, some guy on the RVCA blog posted a picture of them. Mocking them of course.

Listen, my little sister is FIERCE and really doesn't need me defending her, but these dudes can gtfo.

Let the real come-back begin

2008-08-14T13:33:00.004-05:00

B. Spears, ILU. My favorite part is her laugh, it's so genuine so circa 1999-2001 when the world was her oyster. Before Justin Timberlake made it his business to be a full-time douche-bag.

Vegas IS fun, y'all.

And another one...

2008-08-14T13:14:00.002-05:00

Alright, tbh (to be honest) I don't *believe* in blog themes so for right now, this blog will focus mostly on my honest (get it? get it? "tbh"?) opinion on things, usually pop-culture related.

My expertise is in babez, boyz (usually of the white bread variety), and B. Spears.

Luv,

Me